OMG! How did you know I came from another planet?!

Whenever I meet new people, they say I dun look local.

Today besides not looking local, I dun sound local too.

Lol. To think I studied here my whole life and still not sound correct.

Or is it because I havent been interacting with people much?

So how should a local look and sound?

It is even more depressing when they say I look like I am from C***A. Even with all these efforts to break from it? At least it is a good thing no matter how I asked, I wasnt given an answer as to where I look I am from today.

Maybe next time I should say: "OMG! HOW DID YOU KNOW I CAME FROM ANOTHER PLANET?!"

Have to buck up on my english. Like seriously and probably fake an accent. Lol.

As for looks... My ULTIMATE GOAL is to look Japanese.

I will kill (mentally) for any replies that starts with a 'C' & ends with an 'A' or anything relating to it.

20101114 - Dinner at Pasta de Waraku

I have been surprisingly productive today considering its a Sunday. Furthermore with such a nice weather and I din take a nap. Omg I am so proud of myself I am gonna cry. (T_T)

To end this wonderful day, I decided to learn some ps and brighten up this dull place of mine.

I had dinner at Pasta de Waraku with family~!

Our dessert - Choco Banana Hanito~

I suppose Hanito = Honey Toast?

Whatever it is, I thought it is really nice~ Though it kinda take a long time...

The toast is so soft inside and crispy outside coated with what I think is honey?

It will be better if they can give us more ice-cream, strawberries or whatever berries is fine with me =P and remove the bananas. *Cough*

The pasta pales in comparison.

Even though it is my main, I decided to leave it behind. I will never order this again.

The sauce is depressing, the cabbage is too hard for my liking.

It is a depressing waste of my calories.

I will probably laugh at myself when I look back at this in the future. Thinking how screwed my sense of beauty is. Hahahaha.

It is taking FOREVER...

*Sigh*

Wasted 1 hour (& counting) of my life waiting...
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

A Letter to my Skin

Dearest Skin

Can you kindly tell me what is it that you want me to do to stop this war?

I have done so much the past 2 $%&^* years and yet there are no signs of you stopping.

Not only have you done damage to me physically, my mental health have been so seriously affected to the extent I think I might need a psychologist more than a dermatologist.

If you arent part of me, I would have ripped the skin out of you, stabbed you a million time, roasted you above a fire, struggled you, boiled you, put you under the sun with a magnifying glass directly above you, poked you with a needle a trillion time and well whatever I can think off.

You have caused me so much despair.

Arent we supposed to live in harmony?

Finished Code Geass!

Omg I just finished Code Geass R1 & R2 in a week. Spending any free time I have on my hands.

Now that I finished I feel so depressed and empty.

*Sobs* I haven watched an anime that make me feel "something" for the longest time and make me so absorbed.

Its weird considering that it is an anime that consist 3 things I tend to shun:

1. Mecha / Robots
2. War / Politics / Government / Military
   
3. Brains / Deep
   

So that is probably why I actually dragged this long to actually watch the anime. In fact I think it is a miracle I watched it in the first place. But I am glad since I can watch it all in one goal before I lose steam.

Or maybe its because I have no expectations of it that make me like it? Hmmmm.

Well honestly speaking I probably din really manage to understand all of the parts. *Cough* Coz I am really stupid and my brain shut off when there are so many logic and talking.

There are so many twists and turns in the plot. As much as I would like to type more about it, I couldnt because it is so late now my brain is shutting off.

*Sobs* The last episode really got into me. Maybe I am emotional that it is the last episode.

Now now I better lock up "Otaku Chan" for a while since I have neglected everything but anime watching for the past week.

*"Otaku Chan" is suffering from depression at the moment*

I feel like I cant breathe...

I feel so unwell... Mentally...

Work? What is it again?

The number of times I set my mind to be more involved in work.

I failed the equal number.

I feel really sick, tired, depressed every single time after the failed attempt.

I decided. I will not be bothered by it anymore.

Numbers will just be numbers. Sickening work politics/culture will not affect me. And every thing doesnt concern me.

I will just do what I am given and nothing more. Afterall I din work because I like it. I work just for the money. Because with money I can do lots of things.

You know, I really do want to be someone who can make it big in life, rich, independant, knowledgeable, someone my parents can be proud of, or even someone I myself can be proud of.

But apparently it doesnt seem like I am cut out for it. It can be so fascinating how clueless I still am in life.

That aside, not like I only realised it now. I will still attempt to do more for my life. Because afterall there is no one else you can depend on but yourself.

I hope that tonight will be the last night I will shed work-related tears.

Good bye work. You sucked. Just give me the money.

Day 2

Day 2

And I am already struggling.

Yoga lesson today is hardcore.

Unfortunately never once can I remember any postition to practice at home.

For records:

1. 1 Chapter of the Book. Just to make it sound better but as a matter of fact it is just 8 pages. (-_-)
   
2. 5 Sentences of Jap. Like seriously it is so freaking difficult. I dun think I can finish the book within 3 weeks. Even if I memorise 1 page a day from today.

But I shall excuse myself because I came home late today. *Nod Nod*

Not looking good when it is just the second day.

Also I quarrelled with my sis today. Honestly it can be avoided and it is not even necessary.

But it have been on my mind, I couldnt understand, I am not in a good mood, have been agitated and it was at the tip of my tongue. So I shot it out.

So! I dun know what else to say now and is not advisable to think too hard coz I need to sleep.

Day 1

I cannot live like this any longer. The more I continue at what it is, I will just have more depression/sucidal episodes.

At least that is what I think.

I have to put some effort in my life.

So for my records, today

1. I FINALLY finished studying the basic book which I have been reading since the start of the year. (-_-) I still got the final to go which is like 10 times more difficult. This sucks.
   
2. I read 20 pages of the storybook I owed my younger sister. I only read 20 pages because my england is SHO BADO I have to check the dictionary for meanings and pronunciation like so many times I couldnt even keep track. And I read because I need to improve my wth english so it is necessary.
   
3. I attempted going through some japanese but realised my standard is so shitty I am stuck at memorising just 2 sentences. GG..

At least I tried right? Though it may seems insignificant but I shall believe that it will be beneficial to me.

Also I revived the dead otaku in me by finishing Gakuen Heaven & Kaichou wa Maid Sama. Both I thought I will never touch/finish but in the end they are not bad actually. Especially the later. No plot or whatever but I am a shallow person. Ha.

Motivation and determination to keep it up is what I need.

Now I have to sleep else my face will break out and my liver will suffer. Pathetic.

Must get more shoes

My shoes NEVER match.

HA...
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

Home

It feels SOOO GOOD to be home~
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

Gatherings

Big relative gatherings never fail to make me awfully depressed...
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

Ears

Maybe it is in the blood or something.

Maybe it is a human kinda thing.

People DUN LISTEN, DUN UNDERSTAND & only BELIEVE in what they thinks.

Maybe its being like that can one make it big in life.

It is terribly frustrating and tiring. Sometimes it makes me feel that I shouldn't have said anything at all.

Actually it is more fascinating to see them debate among themselves.

Will I be like one of them? Or maybe I already am?

A Thousand of Needles

Felt as if a thousand of needles stuck on my feet.

Another dozen on my hands.

It was one excruciating night.

Nightmares. Nauseousness. And the persistant pain...

Does not help not sharing a hotel room.

Crap. My holiday where I am given 2 more hours to sleep. Gone like that.

Yet I dun know what else I can do since I am not supposed to disturb anyone.

Sent from a hotel room toilet. Pathetic...

Mini Break to Australia

Yay completed my job JUST IN TIME!

Waiting in the airport for my flight.

Going to spend an uncomfortable night on the plane.

Sadded...
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

Oopx! So he's our neighbour?!

As my mother parked the car. I noticed a couple walking uphill especially the guy.
(Erm because I saw something interesting)

The guy looked at our direction too. Did i stare too hard?!

UNTIL I SAW THEM WALKING INTO THE NEXT DOOR.

ONLY DID I REALISE HE IS OUR NEIGHBOUR...

They have moved in for around 2 years and are ultra nice and polite but yet I still cant recognise their sons. *Cough*

Nice to the extent they burn stuff for the 7th month and some ashes flew over to our car which honestly we din even notice any dirt. They wanted to pass us money to wash our car and when we rejected they started washing our car secretly?! I am stunned by such people still exist. And how I suck at comparison. So does that mean when we burn we have to wash their whole house?! Coz I saw some flying to their house?

Actually even if he is to walk pass me tomorrow.

I think I still cant recognise him unless he step into the next door.

Dearest Neighbour. I AM SORRY!

Mini Typhoon

Awaken by strange sounds outside my window.

Saw the flags and trees waving in the wind like crazy.

Must close the window just in case something decides to fly in and kill me.

Should be over soon seeing how the sky is clearer than it was.

*Goes back to sleep*
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

I am upset

I am upset because I finished my pile of work for today.

I am upset because I planned to take leave tomorrow.

I am upset because despite all my hard work and planning I still couldnt take my leave.

I am upset because the phrase "sense of responsibility" is used.

I am upset because it is rare for me to even finish my pile of work for a day for the past few years.

I am upset because of the reason I have to go back.

I am upset because I am starting to compare myself with others.

I am upset because I told myself I shouldnt.

I am upset because things never ever go the way I planned.

I am upset because I cant employ the person I want.

I am upset because of work.

I am upset because of the future.

I am upset because of the unfairness in life.

I am upset because I feel like my eyesight is failing and headaches is worsening.

I am upset because of how useless I am.

I am upset because despite all these years I still couldnt figure out where I am going in life.

I am upset because I wake up every morning still not knowing what I want in life.

I am upset because I felt like I wasted yet another day of my life every night before I sleep.

I am upset because even if I want to talk to someone about something, I couldnt because I just dun know how.

I am upset because of my shitty face and fats.

I am upset because I told myself I need to live my life more positively but yet feeling so suicidal now.

I am upset because I think my hormones are part of the reason.

I am upset because I think what I said doesnt make sense.

Natsu Matsuri 2010

At Natsu Matsuri with Tina chan now!

*Hearts*

Thank you Tina!! *Muacks*
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

Thoughts from Work

As the number of employees in the office increase...

The disgusting thought of "this pile of work isn't mine" increases as well

Something I might not have when working alone.

Think of it in a good way!

Afterall you have only yourself to depend on and you learn more!!!
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

Unmatching Shoes

So very irritating that after matching all the tops and ready to set off...

THE SHOES DUN MATCH!!!!
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

3 Years Ago

Three Years have passed since that day...
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

False Alarm

HOHOHO! MC today!

My right eye hurt like mad when I woke up. Something probably went in when I was sleeping. Couldnt open my eyes. Tearing and painful. Same after an hour of massive gashing water & eyedrops down the eyes.

Then my mother thought it might be 'red eyes'. So skipped work to see doctor. Turns out it is fine after another hour. (-_-)

So afterall its just something in the eyes. But I think I rubbed it too much that now my eyesight sucked.

But anyway I am told to take a break from the computer so I took a day off~

Well it is a good idea because recently I am getting giddy after staring at the computer for awhile. My neck and head feels like it is not connected anymore and so unstable. Lolx. But I always get that once in a while. Just need to rest.

Should not be using the com to blog but I am looking at the keyboard now so not too bad right?

It is so embrassing? Going to the doctor's for this many times in a month that the admin person know me. (-_-) And furthermore because of how nice the family doctor is, I dun have to get medicine for the previous consultations so no charge.

Really personally do think I live a very healthy life. Eh exercising & eating well so why do I still visit the doctor's so often especially this month?

Apparently as far as I can remember, it is not due to common colds and stuff. But because of how abnormal my bloody body feels like behaving. Growing a freaking painful and big lymph node without any infections? Tension Headaches, Chest Constrictions, Dizziness & whatever shit I cant remember due to stress? Like seriously.

Or maybe I worry too much?

Ah well...

---------------

At the doctor's when requesting for MC.

Him: "Should be quite lenient to you at where you are working at now right? "
Me: *Silent*
Him: "But then again it might be tough"
Me: "YES YES YES But no one seems to understand that!"

Lol~ No one seems to understand that except mum and my sisters. Hahahaha. But at least I am grateful that there are at least people who understands.

Well now I need to clear my backlogs in my room!

Dearest computer, as much as I would love to be with you the whole day today, I cant because of my eyes and headache. Will be with you as soon as I am okay! *Hugs*

Give me a CLONE of the ex-her

I am really really upset with not being able to employ the person I really want.

Someone I really felt is so smart, capable and I can trust my work with.

Appealed, Find the MP, whatever I did whatever I can without success.

And yet it is so easy to employ someone else with a much lesser capability?

What sense does it make?

I cant employ a person just because the government dun approve her/him? And furthermore without a proper reason. I am really unhappy.

This case really deducted tons of respect I have for this place.

So how does employing someone actually make me feel so much?

Because this seriously affect my future.

Because I am not happy with the performance.

Because I am not particularly happy by the treatment.

Because I can hardly find something I am satisfied with.

Or maybe I am supposed to learn how to deal with people of all kinds.

Talk to my Hand

Exhausted... Out of Breath... Nauseous... Stuffy...

Is how I feel at the moment. But not because I am sick...

Because I have to be in a conversation for the whole day today. In summary, I have to listen someone speak to me and I have to occasionally reply them to be polite.

But I really want the conversation to stop...

I honestly do feel that I rather spend all that time working hard.

I am not a good listener or speaker unless the person can capture my attention.
(Btw I have a very short attention span...)

I was asked if I felt lonely when I worked alone in the office last time since I have no one to talk to.

My answer? HELL NO! I dun have to entertain anyone at all.

The problem probably lies with me. But how I can politely tell them that I am really tired and wish not to speak.

Holidays Over?!

Did not do anything at all for the 3 days holiday I had.

Time passes so fast.
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

Ability to Heal - Nonexistent

Is it normal to have a bruise from a normal blood test that doesn't heal for more than a week?

Piano, Organ, Guitar or Violin

Piano Organ Guitar Violin

I want to learn a instrument but I cant decide which

Piano & Organ is a good choice since I dun have to buy anything. BUT I dun particularly listen to classics and normal songs. So I dun have a goal to work towards.

Violin looks so beautiful and elegant. BUT will drain my financies. And considering how easy I lose interest in things. It might not be a good idea.

I am seriously considering guitar. Then comes Acoustic, Classic or Electric Guitar.

Thought of classic at first, BUT after browsing the web, the type of music is not what I really like.

I listen to rock so electric seems the best bet. But it looks intimating from all the equipments I need to buy. Besides I have NO IDEA what to buy. I dun have anyone to help me as well?

GG. I dun even know where to go and learn.

Milk

Milk is good for you
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

No One

Wondering...

If she should be sad that she can't find anyone to go out with.

Or be glad that it doesn't matter for she can do it on her own.

If everything fails, at least there is a place she can coop herself in.

Blogging through BB mail

Woot it worked!!

I can forsee myself spamming the blog with random thoughts~

Will try out the smsing function tomorrow!

Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

Test 1 2 3

Trying to blog using email. Let it work! (>.<)
Sent via BlackBerry from SingTel!

27/07/2010 Report

Shall make a record today.

I woke up with a worse than average dry eyes, dry throat, dry skin to the extent of peeling, dry lips no matter how much water I drunk.

My swollen & painful lymph node (if I did not mistaken what the doc said) at the neck since last thursday is still there. In fact people around me thinks it is getting bigger. Maybe they are wrong? Unfortunately, even the doctor thought it was bigger. LOL!

Spent half of the day wondering what the hell is wrong with me. I really do think I live a very very healthy lifestyle? After which side tracking to thinking if I am to die or be diagnosed with something serious, what should I do? Not forgetting the piles of insurance I just bought but have not gone through yet... Meaning I wun get any money. Lolx. Then having another episode of driving my hormones crazy. Oh and thinking maybe I should go for plastic surgery. At least die like a pretty doll since I have no worth in this world.

So despite the work deadlines, I decided to go visit the doctor in the afternoon before I drive myself crazy. Apparently my dryness is not related to my swollen lymph node. Now to think of it, I think I have been seriously dramatic in the room.

I suppose my swollen lymph node is the doctor's main concern.

Which I really dun know whether if it is a good or a bad news that the doctor still couldnt find any infection in my body or fever. Reason? If I have an infection or fever, that would mean that there is a cause for my swollen lymph node. Which also mean that my body is working normally and I can probably get an MC.

But the doctor is not particularly worried since the swollen lymph node is painful. If it is not painful, then I should worry. Okay... Erm so I should be relieved RIGHT?

Unfortunately, we got really no idea what the hell is wrong with me. So the doctor took down the measurements of the swollen piece of thing at my neck and sent me for a blood test tomorrow since I might not be able to reach the polyclinic by 4pm. (It was 3:30pm)

Wondering what should my next step be and wandering around like a aimless ghost for 10 mins. I decided to cab down and try my luck. I got too much work to waste another day.

Here I have to say that I really appreciate the transportation system here. There are not many places in the world you can go around alone safely, find a cab so fast and easily, (price at that timing and distance quite reasonable also?).

Also I have to say I am impressed with myself for being so independent and manage to settle things by myself today. *Pats self on head*

Anyways I suppose I was really lucky since I managed to rush down for the blood test in time and it was surprisingly fast. But when the nurse handed me the results, she scared me for a moment when she said, "now go see the doctor" Okay I think too much.

After which I cabbed down to the clinic and reached at around 4pm. Everyone is surprised by my efficiency today. That includes me. Woot. Turns out din find anything abnormal with my blood as well. Honestly I cant decide if I should be relieved or not.

So the next two weeks will be my observation period. Blah. If I got a fever or infection that cause this bloody swollen node, then woot my bloody body can predict the future.

If not and it is still as swollen as it is... *TOUCH WOOD* The doctor might have to refer me to a specialist and I might need to remove it in worst case scenario.

Honestly speaking, I am not particularly worried about that swollen painful irritating shit on the neck currently. The inconvenient part will most probably have to be when bathing, applying stuff on my neck and touching it. Opening my mouth too big. Lolx. Or big actions. Or if someone decides to poke it.

Anyways I went back to work right after that. Talk about serious sense of responsibility. But no one appreciates that.

Here comes the saddest part... When the taxi driver said I looked like I am 24 years old. My heart is shattered. My skin and face have deteriorated so much... I am seriously ageing... No more 16 years old? 8 years is added to my age... I decided I need botox and plastic surgery major. Words cant express how depressed I am.

My main concern now is the dryness. My eyes are so dry although I know I shouldnt be using computer right now. Eye drops dun even help. My throat is dry like hell. My skin is like peeling and so easily irritated. My lips. Oh same problem I dun even bother to type about it anymore.

I am honestly so depressed about the skin problems I am having now and the ageing portion. I think I should go for a full body checkup after 2 months, see a dermatologist and dentist. Maybe a plastic surgeon when I save up enough money and courage.

Oh did I mention? I am 70% quite sure that my new computer of around 1 month old is quite dead. The constant crashing and blue screen. But I din even save or do anything much to it yet? The IT jinx in me is still alive apparently.

Thankfully my laptop is working fine. (Oh I did killed it 2 months ago but manage to revive it)

Yoga teacher told us that we can proceed to the next level. (Have been at basic for 3-4 terms Lol and still couldnt remember anything to even practice at home. Core muscles are non-existent as well -_-) It is really something nice to know though. But the timing kindly sucked and I dun know if we can manage it or not. Hahaha.

Okay end of long report. As much as I want to use the remaining time of my life to do more things, my body dun allow me to do so.

I am learning to live and see the world in a positive and different way.

20100714 - Random Thoughts

Everyone around seems to be going to uni.

It makes me feel as if stopping at poly, I am going to end up sweeping the roads in the future. (Well not that sweeping roads is bad, it is just a reference for a low paid and tanned job)

Or maybe I should think differently. People around me are just too smart.

And so I thought, maybe I should go study too.

Yet is studying what I really want? And what is it that I really should go for?

Something that currently seems useful for my future but do not capture my interest at all.

Or something that I think I MIGHT be interested in but do not have the talent for and most probably is not useful. (might because I am fickleminded and change oh-so-fast)

I am getting older. And getting increasingly stressed about it. It feels like more doors are slammed shut right in my face.

I did step out of my worthlessness depression for a bit. But now it seems like I have so many things I might want to do but will not have enough money and time.

And I am tied down. Does not help when I dun have the support I needed.

Maybe I should go visit Mani for advice. Even if it is not accurate. =P

To Eat or Not to Eat

I am TERRIBLY HUNGRY...
(Big problem especially when I get home late)

Yet I cant eat because it is 11pm right now.

Eating at night / before sleeping is fattening.

Oh decisions. To let it continue rumbling and trick my brain into believeing that I will lose weight. OR satisfy my hunger and feel fat after.

Today I chose losing weight.

*Stomach Rumbles* I feel so miserable.

Super Mario on Violin Video

So amazing and charming. Makes me wanna learn the violin.

I want to work in a Maid Cafe

Flyer from Cosfest

A new maid cafe will be opening in September. And I desperately want to work in a maid cafe.

It is probably one of my biggest dreams at the moment. And I know that if I really want to do it, I have to do it soon. Because my worst nightmare in life will gradually eat me away. *Cough* Ageing *Cough*

Unfortunately I threw away the chance for interview during the event. The first day I did not know they are hiring. (-_-) The second day Siti told me BUT I couldnt make up my mind and couldnt let go of my current job.

Thought it over the few days, I decided that I have worked in the office long enough. There is a new staff which I will be training to take over me. I know I cant quit but if the working hours is reasonable, I can still work at where I am part time.

I was so tormented by the thought of it ever since. I wanted to ask for more information but there is no contact no. on the flyer at all. I couldnt ask for the working hours. I checked the internet but couldnt find anything. I am too late I guess?

Anyway I thought if any chances does pop up in the future I will go for it.

Actually what really moved me is my mother. I told her about it, expecting her to change my mind.

But instead she told me to go for it. That I shouldnt think of it as working but to gain experience. She is so encouraging.

I am so touched I wanna cry.

But even if I do go for the interview in the future, I will really be devasted if I get rejected. In fact I can probably guess a few reasons they might use to reject me. I am too fat. I cant fit into their costume especially their waist. Then my thighs will be too fat for their short skirt.

Ugliness... Pimples on my cheeks. Not 'moe' enough. Voice too rough. Just to name of few.

But then again it might not be a bad thing. At least I tried and know it is time to give up. Hahaha.

Office Grumblings - 20100706

Sometimes I really wonder.

How can two people of such different personalities & styles work together all these time.

I do understand in working life there are bound to have people and times when you just couldn't agree with.

But since they are someone whose only relation/link to you is through work. You can probably just curse them at the back, type bad about them on your blog, complain to your friends/family/colleagues, plan your revenge, quit and find another job, well you get the idea.

Or you can always sit back, relax and wait for their downfall and laugh behind them saying "see I told her/him so".

Well it will not really matter to you since what happen to him/her/the company will not affect you much.

But what if the person is related to you and the performance of the company meant a great deal not only to you but people close to you.

Maybe I am just thinking too much about things.

Productive Day

It have been a very productive day at work today.
(Though I still got truckload of work to be completed and will be away till Tuesday)

Besides that I feel so dangerously motivated+inspired to do good in life.

Just to keep record.

Pressing the RESET Button yet again

No motivation to blog because I cant stand even 1 sec of the previous black layout.

I suddenly wanted a blogskin that is bright & colourful.

I should seriously stop being so fickle minded.

Blogger doesnt have any I wanted, so went to search. And actually found one!

Just 10 mins into working on it, I suddenly recalled why I haven been doing such things for the past few years. Because I am bound to have a 101 problems. This time round the format is just screwed. Does not help when I suck at IT stuff.

So I went on to my backup choice. Ah but I din like the header. So amazingly I took the header of the previous layout and format it here. Simple but I am really surprised I manage to do it. Just hope the creators dun mind! (>_<)

Still there are tons of hiccups. Ah but I suppose it is fine for now. When I am ultra free or there will be no end.