27/07/2010 Report

Shall make a record today.

I woke up with a worse than average dry eyes, dry throat, dry skin to the extent of peeling, dry lips no matter how much water I drunk.

My swollen & painful lymph node (if I did not mistaken what the doc said) at the neck since last thursday is still there. In fact people around me thinks it is getting bigger. Maybe they are wrong? Unfortunately, even the doctor thought it was bigger. LOL!

Spent half of the day wondering what the hell is wrong with me. I really do think I live a very very healthy lifestyle? After which side tracking to thinking if I am to die or be diagnosed with something serious, what should I do? Not forgetting the piles of insurance I just bought but have not gone through yet... Meaning I wun get any money. Lolx. Then having another episode of driving my hormones crazy. Oh and thinking maybe I should go for plastic surgery. At least die like a pretty doll since I have no worth in this world.

So despite the work deadlines, I decided to go visit the doctor in the afternoon before I drive myself crazy. Apparently my dryness is not related to my swollen lymph node. Now to think of it, I think I have been seriously dramatic in the room.

I suppose my swollen lymph node is the doctor's main concern.

Which I really dun know whether if it is a good or a bad news that the doctor still couldnt find any infection in my body or fever. Reason? If I have an infection or fever, that would mean that there is a cause for my swollen lymph node. Which also mean that my body is working normally and I can probably get an MC.

But the doctor is not particularly worried since the swollen lymph node is painful. If it is not painful, then I should worry. Okay... Erm so I should be relieved RIGHT?

Unfortunately, we got really no idea what the hell is wrong with me. So the doctor took down the measurements of the swollen piece of thing at my neck and sent me for a blood test tomorrow since I might not be able to reach the polyclinic by 4pm. (It was 3:30pm)

Wondering what should my next step be and wandering around like a aimless ghost for 10 mins. I decided to cab down and try my luck. I got too much work to waste another day.

Here I have to say that I really appreciate the transportation system here. There are not many places in the world you can go around alone safely, find a cab so fast and easily, (price at that timing and distance quite reasonable also?).

Also I have to say I am impressed with myself for being so independent and manage to settle things by myself today. *Pats self on head*

Anyways I suppose I was really lucky since I managed to rush down for the blood test in time and it was surprisingly fast. But when the nurse handed me the results, she scared me for a moment when she said, "now go see the doctor" Okay I think too much.

After which I cabbed down to the clinic and reached at around 4pm. Everyone is surprised by my efficiency today. That includes me. Woot. Turns out din find anything abnormal with my blood as well. Honestly I cant decide if I should be relieved or not.

So the next two weeks will be my observation period. Blah. If I got a fever or infection that cause this bloody swollen node, then woot my bloody body can predict the future.

If not and it is still as swollen as it is... *TOUCH WOOD* The doctor might have to refer me to a specialist and I might need to remove it in worst case scenario.

Honestly speaking, I am not particularly worried about that swollen painful irritating shit on the neck currently. The inconvenient part will most probably have to be when bathing, applying stuff on my neck and touching it. Opening my mouth too big. Lolx. Or big actions. Or if someone decides to poke it.

Anyways I went back to work right after that. Talk about serious sense of responsibility. But no one appreciates that.

Here comes the saddest part... When the taxi driver said I looked like I am 24 years old. My heart is shattered. My skin and face have deteriorated so much... I am seriously ageing... No more 16 years old? 8 years is added to my age... I decided I need botox and plastic surgery major. Words cant express how depressed I am.

My main concern now is the dryness. My eyes are so dry although I know I shouldnt be using computer right now. Eye drops dun even help. My throat is dry like hell. My skin is like peeling and so easily irritated. My lips. Oh same problem I dun even bother to type about it anymore.

I am honestly so depressed about the skin problems I am having now and the ageing portion. I think I should go for a full body checkup after 2 months, see a dermatologist and dentist. Maybe a plastic surgeon when I save up enough money and courage.

Oh did I mention? I am 70% quite sure that my new computer of around 1 month old is quite dead. The constant crashing and blue screen. But I din even save or do anything much to it yet? The IT jinx in me is still alive apparently.

Thankfully my laptop is working fine. (Oh I did killed it 2 months ago but manage to revive it)

Yoga teacher told us that we can proceed to the next level. (Have been at basic for 3-4 terms Lol and still couldnt remember anything to even practice at home. Core muscles are non-existent as well -_-) It is really something nice to know though. But the timing kindly sucked and I dun know if we can manage it or not. Hahaha.

Okay end of long report. As much as I want to use the remaining time of my life to do more things, my body dun allow me to do so.

I am learning to live and see the world in a positive and different way.

20100714 - Random Thoughts

Everyone around seems to be going to uni.

It makes me feel as if stopping at poly, I am going to end up sweeping the roads in the future. (Well not that sweeping roads is bad, it is just a reference for a low paid and tanned job)

Or maybe I should think differently. People around me are just too smart.

And so I thought, maybe I should go study too.

Yet is studying what I really want? And what is it that I really should go for?

Something that currently seems useful for my future but do not capture my interest at all.

Or something that I think I MIGHT be interested in but do not have the talent for and most probably is not useful. (might because I am fickleminded and change oh-so-fast)

I am getting older. And getting increasingly stressed about it. It feels like more doors are slammed shut right in my face.

I did step out of my worthlessness depression for a bit. But now it seems like I have so many things I might want to do but will not have enough money and time.

And I am tied down. Does not help when I dun have the support I needed.

Maybe I should go visit Mani for advice. Even if it is not accurate. =P

To Eat or Not to Eat

I am TERRIBLY HUNGRY...
(Big problem especially when I get home late)

Yet I cant eat because it is 11pm right now.

Eating at night / before sleeping is fattening.

Oh decisions. To let it continue rumbling and trick my brain into believeing that I will lose weight. OR satisfy my hunger and feel fat after.

Today I chose losing weight.

*Stomach Rumbles* I feel so miserable.

Super Mario on Violin Video

So amazing and charming. Makes me wanna learn the violin.

I want to work in a Maid Cafe

Flyer from Cosfest

A new maid cafe will be opening in September. And I desperately want to work in a maid cafe.

It is probably one of my biggest dreams at the moment. And I know that if I really want to do it, I have to do it soon. Because my worst nightmare in life will gradually eat me away. *Cough* Ageing *Cough*

Unfortunately I threw away the chance for interview during the event. The first day I did not know they are hiring. (-_-) The second day Siti told me BUT I couldnt make up my mind and couldnt let go of my current job.

Thought it over the few days, I decided that I have worked in the office long enough. There is a new staff which I will be training to take over me. I know I cant quit but if the working hours is reasonable, I can still work at where I am part time.

I was so tormented by the thought of it ever since. I wanted to ask for more information but there is no contact no. on the flyer at all. I couldnt ask for the working hours. I checked the internet but couldnt find anything. I am too late I guess?

Anyway I thought if any chances does pop up in the future I will go for it.

Actually what really moved me is my mother. I told her about it, expecting her to change my mind.

But instead she told me to go for it. That I shouldnt think of it as working but to gain experience. She is so encouraging.

I am so touched I wanna cry.

But even if I do go for the interview in the future, I will really be devasted if I get rejected. In fact I can probably guess a few reasons they might use to reject me. I am too fat. I cant fit into their costume especially their waist. Then my thighs will be too fat for their short skirt.

Ugliness... Pimples on my cheeks. Not 'moe' enough. Voice too rough. Just to name of few.

But then again it might not be a bad thing. At least I tried and know it is time to give up. Hahaha.

Office Grumblings - 20100706

Sometimes I really wonder.

How can two people of such different personalities & styles work together all these time.

I do understand in working life there are bound to have people and times when you just couldn't agree with.

But since they are someone whose only relation/link to you is through work. You can probably just curse them at the back, type bad about them on your blog, complain to your friends/family/colleagues, plan your revenge, quit and find another job, well you get the idea.

Or you can always sit back, relax and wait for their downfall and laugh behind them saying "see I told her/him so".

Well it will not really matter to you since what happen to him/her/the company will not affect you much.

But what if the person is related to you and the performance of the company meant a great deal not only to you but people close to you.

Maybe I am just thinking too much about things.