Devilishly Lolita: 2011

I usually feel like typing here only when I am upset about work. In fact when I talk about it, it is always on the negative side.

This will change. At least that is what I hope.

I always felt like I dun have any future working here. I am always fearful of letting anyone know where I work. And who I work for.

I dun feel good when I see people around me all going to universities and continuing their studies while I am stuck here. Working because I feel like I dun have a choice. Upset whenever people makes remarks like I can slack all day long because of who I work for. Unfortunately I work really hard it's just that you dun see it. I am even ashamed to say that I was jealous of my sisters because I felt that at the same age, they can go study what they want and do what they want.

Depressed because this is not what I wanted in life and how I want to live my life. Always feeling like I am wasting my youth away, chained down and unable to experience life. Because when I get older, the things that I want to do will slowly shut their doors in my face.

Cant believe when typing this I can still feel slightly depressed.

And with all these negative thoughts, I worked in the company for more than 3 years I think. For one period of time I cried almost every day because I dun know what I was doing with my life and was so freaking lost. I hate myself so freaking much I wanna die.

Anyhow all these will have to change. When you cant change your situation, changing the mentality shall be a better idea.

Well if I look on the brighter side, I am better off than quite alot of people right?

I just need to make better use of my resources.
I just need more discipline and determination.
I just need to change my mindset.
I just need to put in more effort.

Since last week I have been waking at 5am and setting off for work at 630am & start work at 645am. For someone who has the ability to press on her snooze button for more than 2 hours at 5 min/interval and still sleep very well. It is one big accomplisment.

This is necessary. Because I need them to acknowledge me. And so I need to work harder.

And I think my effort so far have been recognised. I THINK the boss is more willing to teach me. In fact I think what he tried to teach me the past 2 weeks is more than what he did the past 3 years combined.

For the first time since I worked in the company, I sat down with our foremans and discussed matters myself. Well I do think that they tried to simplify things for me and I really sound very noobish. (-_-) I need to start from somewhere right?

Actually I do feel good for the past 2 weeks because I felt like I am really trying to do my best in life. Whatever the results may be.

Is just that probably besides work and family. I dun particularly have a life. I need to sleep at 10-11pm. But its okay. I will do my best in my job, gain knowledge & earn $$.

I will buy myself a house when I am 35, have enough money to go japan every freaking year, fly myself to visual kei concerts, buy so many bloody cosmetics, backpack LUXURIOUSLY around Japan/around the world, be someone I dun have to be ashamed of anymore. Maybe also earn enough money to shoot botox into my face.Well something like that.

Its okay if I will be alone in life. I will just have to learn to be independant enough.

Well please excuse me. I need put my snooze at 2am and wake up at 430am on Monday and set off at 6am to the office.

Maybe in the future, I will love my job so much you will see me sleeping in the office. I kid.