It had ended

It had ended today. Not by me.

No tears are shed.

Which might have been for the better.

It have been so murky I dont even know what to feel or behave anymore.

At least for now the lines are clear.

There will be no more expectations which will not lead to disappointments.

In a way, it might be a release for both of us now.

Someone that I used to know

You are once someone I looked up to.

Someone I knew would have my back and I can always count on.

But people change. That includes you and me. This I can understand.

Now I feel like you are out to find faults in everything

Now I feel like you are just finding someone to vent your anger on

Now I feel like you are just pushing everything towards me

Your negativity makes me keep a distance from you

Perhaps you are dealing with lots of things at the moment

Perhaps you are trying to train me for the future

Challenge Accepted

Pushing the blame is easy, but it is something I hate.

I might take on the blame. 

But I just wanted to say, everyone is at fault. Just think about it.

What is it that you see in me?

When you chose only to see and comment on my flaws...

Makes me wonder if you saw any trace of beauty in me... Even for once...

I thought it wouldn't matter, but if you want to be someone who matters in my life. Your opinion does. 

My heart bled every time you couldn't give me a reply I wanted... My self esteem dropped to a new low every single day... 

Perhaps you are not one to give compliments... 

Perhaps you are not one to tell lies...

Perhaps this makes you a really nice person. For you can be with someone you aren't attracted to..,

Either way, thank you for everything. It had been a wonderful experience.

And know that being alone for the rest of my life is not a probability but a fact.

Hello Blog, I am back again

 Hello here again.

I have always wanted this place to be filled with nice pictures and everything. But I figured out it wouldn't work out because it is just too much effort and I wouldn't have the energy to maintain it.

I think it will be helpful if I start writing down how I felt and think regularly.

Because unlike most people, I cant organize my thoughts in my head and verbalize them.

Which is really bad because my mind is a big jumble of mess like the aftermath of a hurricane. Bits and pieces of everything everywhere.

And all this will just accumulate into a rubbish dump that will overwhelm me before I know it.

Well I can already feel the effects of it already.

Perhaps this might help me piece up things bit by bit even if it takes a long time.

Clear my mind and emotions.

Perhaps when I read back in the future, I will find myself foolish to the depths of hell.

People don't really listen to me anyway. And no one really gets the point.

But it's okay, I got my fingers to type and my own space here to release the negativity.

Guess it will be back to words again.

What am I to do with you?

When you don't see the beauty with the mask on, I probably shouldn't expect you to like the one without.

Sometimes it feels like all of these are built on lust more than anything else.

I know one shouldn't expect others to read your mind.

But if it doesn't come out from the bottom of your heart or your own will should it be a lie, then there is no point anyway right?

When the confidence level have dropped to a new low and you helped lower it more.

I couldn't tell if you are just being really honest.

What am I to do with you?

Although I dont expect a future. But if there are none to imagine at all. What is the point?

Did I expect too much from you?

What am I to do with you?

Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder

So... I wasn't beautiful in your eyes... 

What does it mean? 

A lot. 

The Dark Thoughts that Won't Go Away...

Hello there. Why is it that I only think of coming here when I am depressed. It's a mystery.

The dark voices and negatvitiy in my head are so overwhelming. I want to hurt myself so bad.

When was I this depressed previously? Probably quite some time ago. No one died or anything drastic happened. I just feel really out of control.

I have been breaking down at work abit too much. In fact I had such a bad episode lasr week I couldnt even continue working. Nothing happened. I am just a ticking time bomb waiting to explode anytime.

Maybe I am just too stressed out at work. The overwhelming loads of work I couldnt finish. The continuous phone calls. All the questions. All the deadlines. All the responsibilities.

I am so tired. My headache just wun go away. I just want to get away from all this shit. In a quiet place where I dun need to talk to anyone or answer anyone.

You know. Its an evil cycle. Breakingdown so often is just going to make me look weak to everyone.

I feel so detached from the world and everyone around me. Even those closest to me.

Feeling even more so today when no one cared if I can work when my back hurts so bad. I really yearn for at least some concern. But asked if I can go to class or go out with this back. Sorry thats the wrong answer. I am truly hurt. Like I am just a working tool and nothing else to you all. Of course I know that it is not the case but I am not functioning well enough to think properly.

Maybe its a wake up call. For me to not be too close to anyone. So that I wun be too sad if I am all alone in the future. Heck. I might not even be able to live that long when I am so mentally unstable.

My mind is so dark. My heart hurts so bad.